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2016 Power Rankings-Week 8
Introduction NOW WE’RE FUCKING COOKING!!! This week we FINALLY had some Monday Night Football heartbreak! I was starting to think we’d never see a good ol’ fashioned gutwrencher, and then we go and damn near have three on one night. You know you’re in a league of “champions” when the two top scoring running backs of the week, including a guy coming off a 200-yard game, were both on the bench. AND BOTH THOSE TEAMS WON! But both of those decisions played into the drama on Monday. Paddock led by 31.71 and needed only to keep Lamar Miller beneath that threshold. Problem being Miller was coming off a 53 point game. BUT they were going up against the league’s second ranked defense. Then the “matchup of the week” was finally a decent matchup of the week. Up 25.03 on Dee, Jar Jar needed only to hope that DeAndre Hopkins wouldn’t outscore Demarius Thomas by that amount. Then you had Papa’s Posse needing 49.06 to beat RIPDab, which seemed impossible until Anderson scored an early touchdown and clearly looked like the featured offensive weapon in the Broncos game plan. The biggest upset of the season took place this week. The defending champ dropped only their second game this season. They are now 2-2 against 3-4 teams and 3-0 against everyone else. Speaking of 3-4 = 3-4, 3-4, 3-4, 3-4, 3-4. Five teams were tied at 3-3 and now five are tied for fifth at 3-4. We have massive losing streaks that will come to an end this week and massive win streaks that will come to an end. But let’s not go to next week just yet. As I re-readthese rankings I see that they are pretty wordy this week. I am once again rushing to get them done before these damn Thursday night games and my boss knows when I’m working on them at the office because she can see me ferociously typing while my inbox is stacked to the ceiling with work. All I want is to bring you guys the perfect rankings. I think after this week life gets a little easier and the rankings get a little better. But I'm so freaking excited for this week's slate of games. I really like where we're at this season. Everyone is still in this thing...well, nine of us at least. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Carlos Hyde This section has nothing to do with Carlos Hyde but I thought that was sort of funny. Maybe not. Last week I made a comment about my team: They can’t put up 250 but they also won’t put up 150. It got me to thinking about the multiple personality disorder that a lot of us have this season. Teams are blowing each other out by 100 then getting blown out by 100 the very next week. Below is a chart of each team’s highest scoring week and lowest scoring week organized by the difference between the two. Stat Notes * Peeled Eggplant becomes the fourth team to hit 40 combined losses. * The five game win streak for GBM is the longest in franchise history. * The five game losing streak for MMM is the longest in franchise history. * Papa’s Posse’s 245.68 was the 8th highest score by a losing team in regular season history, and the 10th highest score by a losing team regular season/playoff combined. * If this had been the post-season, Peeled Eggplant’s 127.76 would have been the third lowest score ever recorded. As far as regular season goes, it doesn’t crack the top ten but it certainly cracks the top 20. * Papa’s Posse becomes the first team to reach 15,000 points against. That is breathtakingly bad luck. * RIP becomes the third team to reach 15,000 regular season points scored. * RIP becomes the third team to reach 40 regular season wins. This moves them into a tie with momma for second most all-time. Survivor Update After everyone survived last week, our flock was chopped in half following Sunday’s games. Papa, who every week told me they were “waiting to use the Patriots” because he “didn’t want to use them too early,” has learned a valuable lesson. Patrick, meanwhile, couldn’t bear the thought of going an entire weekend without losing something, so they picked the Redskins. You like that? MegaTrade 2016 I’m used to there being a big trade at least once a season. I’m used to it involving Nate, though, so this is something new. 8th place Paddock and 10th place Momma have signed off on one of the bigger trades I’ve ever seen. Never have there been six picks traded in one transaction. Add in the four players and two defenses changing hands and this is, at least in terms of volume, the largest trade ever. So what do we all think? Obviously, if you do not approve of this trade, you do have veto power but it must be vetoed today. Paddock 9 trades away RB phenom Ajayi. With Foster retiring, Ajayi is the guy in Miami and is coming off of back to back 200 yard games. P9 has always had a unique relationship with Ajayi. But still, I'm shocked at P9 trading away such a find at RB. P9 now loses the ability to keep Ajayi and gives up an RB1 threat to MMMS, who needed just that=a keeper prospect and a running back. In return, P9 takes a top five scoring defense in Denver and momma’s number two non-QB scorer in Landry. Landry, of course, is also a keeper prospect but was taken in the fourth, which means keeping him would sacrifice a third. Ajayi, meanwhile, was an undrafted free agent and would cost a 6th, as outlined in the keeper rules. The big story here is the draft picks. An 8, 9, and 10 goes to momma for Paddock’s 11, 12, and 13. I think this is less a disadvantage for P9 as it is a huge advantage for MMM. MMM now has six picks in those three crucial rounds, while P9 will have to go upwards of 40 spots between picks. This has the potential to tank Paddock’s 2017 season before it even starts. And it could help MMM recover from the basement. However, P9 does have an advantage when it comes to keepers for those rounds. A quick note on keepers and traded picks. The rules were laid out in the pre-season address and will stay in effect for the 2017 draft unless a unanimous league vote says otherwise. The rule is this: If you don’t have a pick in the round the keeper was taken, you lose your next available pick. Ex. You traded your 9th round pick but you are keeping a player that would normally cost you that pick. You thus lose your next available pick, which would theoretically be the 10th. Despite not having an 8th round pick, Paddock can still “keep” a player for that round. It would cost him his first 11th. Power Rankings 1(1). The Shotti Bunch Bench Points - 43.21 TPS - 263.53 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 3 IT BLEEEEEDS! SHOTTI IS HUMAN! This is the first loss in franchise history for TSB against P9. What went wrong for the Bunch? This loss probably comes down to McCoy leaving early due to a hamstring and Miller being limited with a shoulder ailment. He still has Tom Brady, who with four more victories will become the first QB in NFL history to win 200 games. He also has the top fantasy WR, top fantasy defense, 2nd and 3rd scoring TE, and the 5th scoring kicker. How annoying is that last one, by the way? He even knows how to scout kickers? Fuck out of here with that. ---- 2(2). Garoppoblow Me Bench Points - 48.68 TPS - 282.66 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 1 Well I gotta say, if I could have picked a week to have my best game it would not have been this one. Fantastic production out of guys not named Bell, Gronk or Ryan led to the fantasy football equivalent of a complete game shutout against Peeled Eggplant. Montgomery came out fighting as promised on Thursday night, putting the hammer down and nullifying the weakest performance on this week’s roster from the ever disappointing Jordy Nelson. With the game almost already decided before the 1pm games on Sunday even began, Crowder came through big and Crowell finally broke out of his slump. Thomas continues to be the best 16th round pick maybe in the history of the league. And also Peeled Eggplant really, really sucked. Looking forward, Latavius Murray is back just in time to sub in for Bell during the Steelers’ bye week. Week 8 will be the third game in four weeks that the team has only two active RBs on their roster. GBM is one of only two teams (The Shotti Bunch) to not score under 190 this season. However, they are also one of only two teams (Peeled Eggplant) who have failed to break 235. ---- 3(3). RIPDab Bench Points - 76.05 TPS - 341.80 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 2 Be more bi-polar, Nate, you can’t be. I have never seen a team so good be so bad...or maybe it’s that I’ve never seen a team so bad be so good. I can’t decide. I think they’re good? They have scored over 260 in four of the last five weeks. But the week before this they barely break 150? They are on pace for a record breaking 3496.48 point season, which would blast through the previous record set in 2014 by ma ma momma said (3142.46). If anything this shows the Belichickian brain of RIP, constantly “next man up”-ing key spots throughout the roster, starting with QB. Have they finally found their franchise with Dalton? Coleman left the game with a hamstring injury against the Chargers, a bad sign for RIP as they head into a matchup against Devonta Freeman. Freeman, already highly productive this season, will see his touches increase twofold with Coleman 86’ed. If they can bump off Shotti I think we can say RIP to the even-year curse. ---- 4(5). HELLEVATOR MVP Bench Points - 20.16 TPS - 233.18 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 5 BREAKING - We are going to threat level Orange. I repeat, Threat Level Orange. Not a drill. Not...a...drill. Yes, folks, we have to admit to ourselves that MVP might be putting together a season. The only difference, and I mean only difference, between the performance of 4-3 MVP and 6-1 GBM is the strength of schedule. They are within one point of each other on the season. So if we are going to call GBM a playoff team, we have no choice but to include MVP. It seems the demise was, as they say, greatly exaggerated. Am I responsible for this? They are undefeated since I updated their profile page to read “WAS the premiere team in the league." #Mattjinx like you read about. ---- 5(9). Paddock 9 Bench Points - 85.18 TPS - 321.83 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 8 Is Pat an alien? Look, I’m no conspiracy theorist. Do I think Bush did 9/11? Maybe. Did we land on the moon? That’s no moon. But I will say this: something is...off...about Patrick. Paddock 9 made one of the biggest most gut-wrenching mistakes this weekend when he (allegedly) set Ajayi into his lineup only to forget to save his changes. Sources close to the front office have learned that the player P9 had subbed out for Ajayi was Terrelle Pryor. Instead of 286.10 and an easy win, they had to sweat out Monday night up 236.65-204.94 with Miller still to play for Shotti. Anyone else think something is weird about this? Like...it’s almost, TOO Patrick? Like this is exactly what we’d expect Patrick to do? Yet he’s 2-0 these last two weeks against above .500 teams. So if I were an alien plotting league domination, wouldn’t I pretend to pull a Patrick move and bench my top scorer only to still win on Monday night? Throw us off the scent, am I right? Then there is this… I sent this to the lab for analysis. Something didn’t look right, so I had the image enhanced. Look again… One final note: Julio Jones has crossed the 100-yard mark in four of his last six games. Now that P9 has defeated TSB for the first time, they’ll have to beat the only active team that is undefeated against them... ---- 6(4). Peeled Eggplant Bench Points - 20.78 TPS - 148.54 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 10 Coming in hot with the stinker of the year, Peeled Eggplant’s modest win streak is abruptly snuffed out. PE was last season’s lowest scoring team and they reminded everyone how far they still have to go to play ball with the big dogs like back in the day. We knew playing without Cam Newton would be tough, but Mariota didn’t exactly suck on Sunday. Add in the injury to Hyde and all of a sudden the lack of a legitimate bench is revealed. Worst of all, Hauschka had one of the most embarrassing misses of all time on Sunday Night, right up there with Billy Cundiff’s “LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT, IT’S NO GOOD, IT’S NO GOOD” against the Patriots and Blair Walsh’s wide left career ender against Seattle in January. Hearing Al Michaels yell “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. Whew! That could not have happened” has to be one of the most humiliating moments of this kickers life. And that pretty much sums up the week for the Eggplant. By the way couldn't find the GIF of Carroll from Sunday anywhere so had to settle for one of the other billion times Pete stared blankly into nothingness. ---- 7(8). Jar Jar Stinks Bench Points - 40.34 TPS - 262.75 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 9 Can you smeeeeelllll...WHAT JAR JAR...IS...COOKIN!? Let's ask the question everyone wants to ask. Is Jar Jar back? They're not not back, that's for sure. Andrew Luck has transformed from shitty Andrew Luck on a shitty team back into really good Andrew Luck on a shitty team. Now they have Dez Bryant coming back and they may have accidentally nabbed the best free agent RB since Ajayi two weeks ago in Chris Thompson. Jar Jar must be feeling it after getting some revenge against the team that kept them out of the playoffs last season. Now three of their next four games are against 3-4 teams. The other three are against 5-2 Shotti, 6-1 GBM and 4-3 RIP, which makes this week's rivalry game against Paddock very, very important. ---- 8(7). Papa's Posse Bench Points - 51.81 TPS - 297.49 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 7 Congratulations, Papa's Posse. You are this week's "I feel so bad about ragging on this team that I'm just not going to say anything at all" winner. Not good that CJ Anderson could miss time. Not good that Stefon Diggs has been #MattJinxed into oblivion ever since I emplored PP to start him in week 3. Good that Stafford is having an MVP season. Not good that they have fallen from first all the way to 7th in the standings. PP has only ever had two seasons. They've had 7-6 seasons, and they've had 3-10 seasons. A win against Peeled sets the course for 7. A loss... ---- 9(6). Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 0.05 TPS - 202.03 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 6 This is a Bill Cosby level collapse. Dee just cannot catch a break. There is no doubt they have faced the toughest schedule this season. I mean who can argue with the numbers? Plus, Dee has the disadvantage of not being able to face herself, which only makes things harder for her and easier for us. Brees trails only Matt Ryan (who has yet to hit the bye) in points scored. Outside of him, Dee does not have a top twenty WR, a top ten running back or a top ten defense. Jamaal Charles was balling on sunday with 0.05 points, bringing his season total to 15.13. I'm hard pressed to figure out who this team will keep next season. They absolutely need to get back on track this week against momma, a team Dee should crush if she is anywhere near as good as she says she is. ---- 10(10). ma ma momma said Bench Points - 61.72 TPS - 225.10 2015 Week 8 Ranking - 4 How dead is momma? Maybe dead. Who knows how this trade will play out. Let’s focus on the good. Doug martin has once again fallen under the spell of the Dee Curse so he’s done for now. That makes Rodgers a legitimate threat on the ground. Marvin Jones Jr. has slid into the Calvin Johnson slot for the Lions, so he’s a really consistent WR. Denver defense is tops in the league. Although I guess they're gone now. Landy has only had one game under 16 all season. And well...I guess he's gone now, too. There’s other stuff, though. Like, he’s a great guy. Good personality, you know? People take that for granted nowadays. And hey, something to be said for keeping the same fantasy name for six years. Once a momma, always a momma. You can take that to the bank. State of the Standings With another loss this week, momma is looking more and more like a team that has no chance at making playoffs. With half a season left, nothing is for certain, but at 1-6 they will have to go at least 5-1 to stand a chance, probably 6-0 because of the deficit in points compared to everyone else. On the other end, GBM would probably have to lose out to miss playoffs at this point, but is a far cry from a shoe in for the bye. Five teams are tied for fifth, which is an insane number this late in the season. If we assume momma is out of contention (sorry), at least one of the four consolation teams from last season is now guaranteed a playoff spot. Theme of the Week - Halloween Week Damnit this schedule is so perfect it brings a tear to my eye. This has to be one of the most epic weeks in league history. When I created this week, I wanted it to be a week of redemption (not to be confused with next week’s theme: revenge). What we have now are themes of redemption, desperation, and revolution. Headlining the week, we have the top four teams facing off against one another, with 1 facing 4 and 2 facing 3. HUGE playoff implications here. 1 v 4 is GBM vs. MVP. Over their five game win streak, GBM is averaging 219.368 points. Over their four game win streak, MVP is averaging 227.142. On the season, however, the averages are 214.16 vs. 214.25. Doesn’t get much closer. MVP holds a 5-3 lifetime edge, with a 5-2 regular season advantage. Then you have the two highest scorers in the league, RIP vs. TSB. TSB has a 6-2 edge over RIP and this is the first of two crucial matchups between these teams over the next three weeks. Continuing down the line, the league’s two longest losing streaks are going up against each other. No one needs a win more than these two teams. Deez Sons of Bitchez vs. ma ma momma said. Dee has NEVER beaten ma ma momma said (0-5). A win this week puts momma into the coffin, but a loss all but eliminates Dee from any possibility of claiming a bye in the playoffs and pushes them further from the 6 seed. Speaking of losing streaks, a crucial 3-4 vs. 3-4 matchup takes place between Papa’s Posse and Peeled Eggplant. Peeled has won two of their last three but is coming off the worst performance in the league this season, while Papa has lost four straight but is coming off their best game since opening week. A lot on the line for these two teams desperate to climb back to .500. Speaking of .500, these two teams are 3-3 lifetime against each other in the regular season. Last but not least, The battle of the upsets. Jar Jar pulled a small upset over the floundering Deez on Monday night, and Paddock 9 is coming off two giant upsets over RIP and TSB. How will the new look P9’s fair against JJ, the only active team remaining that P9 has never beaten? One of these small wins streaks will end. The winner will get a playoff spot, the loser will slip out for the time being. MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - Rocky vs. The Russian This is it ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. I feel like this one speaks for itself. Two heavyweights going ego-to-ego in the throwdown of the season (until two weeks from now when they face off again, then THAT is the throwdown of the season). Storylines to watch this week: Freeman for Shotti seeing an increased workload with Coleman out for RIP. Miller not at maximum capacity and McCoy possibly not playing evens the playing field for RIP at that position. At TE, Walker is second in the league behind Gronk in fantasy points scored per snap, but Graham is close behind after four 11+ point games in a row. Two high powered defenses facing weak opponents, although RIP owns the top receiver for Jax and the defense for Tennessee, which makes Thursday a lose/lose situation more than a win/win. As for the other WRs, Hilton seems to have the more favorable matchup over AJ Green, and with Dalton throwing for RIP any big day out of Green is essentially canceled out. The same cannot be said for Brady as RIP does not own a Patriot. This series wins a lot for playoff seeding. If RIP were to sweep the Shotti, they are in the two seed. Add in a win against GBM and they sit could be in the number one spot. A sweep for Shotti over RIP knocks RIP out of discussion for the one-seed and puts the byes in jeopardy. And as if this rivalry isn’t swee enough, these are the two remaining survivors in the Survivor Pool. Choose wisely.